


Horticultural Techniques for the Cultivation and Care of Bonsai

by sweetosmanthus



Category: Naruto
Genre: 2 plus 2 equals ninja conspiracy, 9 to 5 ninja jobs, Accounting, Dogs, Ensemble Cast, Friendship, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Original Character-centric, POV Original Character, POV Outsider, Strong Female Characters, accountants should be feared and respected, bonsai nerds, feral packs of ninja children explain a lot about the ninja world, local area introvert regrets many things, ninja budgets, ninja career paths, ninja nancy drew, ninjas fear the accounting department thanks for coming to my ted talk, not getting your dream job sucks, terrible work environments, that feeling when you accidentally uncover a ninja conspiracy, therapy dogs exist in konoha fight me, warning: math, well maybe you should have used your brain and not destroyed that building karen, when it finally all adds up, will of fire but brains for shit mostly, with the power of spite on my side
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22518886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetosmanthus/pseuds/sweetosmanthus
Summary: Or, Ninja Accounting for Fun and for ProfitBy the time bonsai enthusiast Chouseki Tomoe graduates the academy, she has already been relegated to "paper-nin" status - high academic grades and poor physical skills. She is, for the most part, invisible, just like many other ninja of Konoha. Too bad she is on a collision course with destiny. OC-centric/ drabble series.In retrospect, she should have known. Math is her greatest enemy. Is it any surprise that math turns her life upside down?
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Original Female Character(s), Yamato | Tenzou & Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 36
Kudos: 220
Collections: A Collection of Beloved Inserts





	1. we meet again my arch nemesis

Chouseki Tomoe hates math.

She hates math with a burning passion that appears unquenchable despite her best efforts. She is not a particularly hateful person, and she does not have many dislikes. 

But math? Math is her arch enemy, her worst enemy.

To Tomoe, math represents almost everything she hates. Numbers are cold, distant, and emotionless. Calculations loom and assault her, trapping her in an inescapable blackhole.

Math has a lot of value in the world, and Tomoe knows it. There are many applications for math in the world, let alone daily life. She can stomach it here and there. But math? Math gives her hives.

And a terrible headache.

Tomoe is not bad at math per se - in fact, by most professional standards, she is considered a mathematical genius. The numbers speak to her, and the calculations whisper their secrets. A simple glance, and the solution hangs in front of her eyes. 

She hates it.

She was always top of her class in subject, but Tomoe prefers literally any other subject. Science? History? Weapons? They make her happy.

Ever since she was a child, she has been forced into doing math. In school, she was always unhappily volunteered to complete the math portion of projects, given additional math assignments to complete, and pressured into tutoring others in math. Never given additional taijutsu training. Never given jutsu scrolls. Never given any other options. Only math.

The trend continued after graduation and only snowballed from there.

Unfortunately, math is her unavoidable living nightmare. 

Despite her extremely strong opinions on math, she has been stuck working in the accounting department for the last five years. Pigeonholed by her talent, her role in the accounting department drains her energy and hope through the sheer monotony and forced mediocrity of number crunching. 

The accounting department in Konoha is a tiny and cramped department in the basement of the administration department. The office is comprised of stacks of papers, filing cabinets, four work desks, no windows, poor lighting, grim walls, and a door that is always getting stuck. 

Tomoe is not the most personable ninja, but the three other ninjas who share the office are remorseless and cruel. The atmosphere in the office is oppressive, and the air venomous. 

Walking into the accounting office robs her of all positive emotions, leaving her surly, morose, and ever closer to a being of hate and spite.

Tomoe hates the accounting office and hates being stuck doing math all day every day. 

There is nothing that she hates more than math... but the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, and math is her duty in service for Konoha.

She hates math with a burning passion, but Konoha needs statement of cash flow calculations.

So, Chouseki Tomoe sits at her desk and quietly tallies mission costs.


	2. Deal or No Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In her day, genin weren't part wildebeast.
> 
> Tomoe is a not-so-secretly a crotchety old man ninja who just wants to eat and drink in peace. Is that so much to ask for?

“Tomoe, look, there is a deal on cabbage.”

Tomoe looks up from the meat she has been contemplating to the man presenting cabbage as his trophy. 

His dark blue eyes sparkle with the same delight as a proud mud covered child as he hands Tomoe the vegetable. 

“Aa, perfect. I was thinking I could make hot pot tonight. How does that sound, Uncle?”

“Tomoe, you rascal, you know I love hot pot on chilly days.”

Although actually a lawyer in his mid to late 30s, Chouseki Ryuuto is a relaxed and playful man. Many a bored housewife in Konoha has spent far too much time giggling over his playful smile and youthful charm. Growing up, Tomoe was often stuck with the thankless task of fending off the more ardent suitors of her uncle. She does not miss those days.

Tomoe points down at the two cuts of meat that she has been contemplating.

“What do you think? Beef or pork?”

“Aa, that’s a hard question. How about beef today…. Is there anything else we need to pick up?”

Tomoe grabs the package of thinly sliced beef and places it into the half filled shopping basket. “You already grabbed the cabbage. I have the other vegetables we need. I’ll soon be low on soy sauce.. Is there a deal on soy sauce today?”

“I don’t see one.”

“Shame.. well, maybe next time...”

“Anything else you need for hot pot?”

“No, I think I have everything else at my apartment. Oh wait, maybe a bottle of sake? You finished off my last bottle last week.”

Her uncle sheepishly laughs. “You’re the one who encouraged me to drink it.”

“Of course, I did.” Tomoe grabs a bottle of sake. “Just like I will today, as well. Hard Work deserves a reward.”

“Tomoe, you spoil me.”

“I’m not! Spoiling you would be getting dango…. Although I can check out, if you want to pick up some dessert from Hiroshi’s bakery next door?”

“An ulterior motive! Finally your true colors show!” Her uncle’s eyes twinkle playfully, his smile bright.

“Oh no, you figured out my evil plan.” Tomoe deadpans. “Optimizing the grocery buying process? Efficiency? How dare I? I’ll meet you at the front of the shop when I’m done.”

* * *

Konoha, a village of ninjas, is rarely a quiet village. In the late afternoon, it is common to hear chatter and yelling and booms. 

Screaming is not uncommon, albeit still considered rude.

As Tomoe opens the door of the store and steps outside, several small annoying and loud feral genin rush past and simultaneously knock over a less fortunate soul. 

One slightly less rude genin shouts a quick “sorry” before the genin rushes to catch up with the pack but does not bother to help the man up.

Tomoe curses under her breath as she sees her uncle lying on the ground surrounded by now less-than-fresh dango. 

She spitefully hopes that whatever jounin that those genin belong to makes sure those genin _suffer_. Cleaning the sewers seems like good training for genin with too much energy. She decides to go to the mission desk early tomorrow morning to make the request.

“Genin are so rude these days,” she helps her uncle up. “You okay?”

“Oh, I think I’ll survive.. unlike the dango.”

So much for a nice dessert today.

“We still have the sake.”

Not all is lost.

* * *

“Kids knocking me over?” Her uncle later says as they open the bottle of sake. “Thought that part of my life was over when you grew up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Packs of feral genin is the real reason ninja villages can’t have nice things.
> 
> Oh, hey, and still no sign of any plot.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Stay safe!!


	3. the forest for the trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Other villages call Konoha a village of "tree huggers." 
> 
> They're not necessarily wrong to make that assumption. The forest protects Konoha, and the village protect the forest.
> 
> Tomoe is not-so-secretly a crotchety old man with crotchety old man hobbies. Such as bonsai and tree viewing.

An interesting fact about the temperate forests of Konoha is that there are over 100 varieties of trees. 

It is said after the Shodaime Hokage ascended to his position, the clans of Konoha gifted him seeds of trees from all over the world. 

During the following years, he cultivated the trees and grew the forests into what they are today: a hodgepodge of native trees, non-native trees, and the Mokuten Hashirama trees that protect and hide the village from enemies.

Tomoe gasps and holds back a scream.

She heard the rumors and read about it, but in her 17 years, this is the first time she has seen it in person!

It’s beautiful!

A native Koyama spruce. 

The evergreen needle-like leaves! The color is so lovely! And the pine cones!

Tomoe feels blessed. 

It is said that Uchiha Madara burned the forests when he left. 

When he could not destroy the Hashirama trees, other species and areas of the forest suffered his wrath.

It is said that it took Senju Tobirama days to put out the fires. The day after the fires were extinguished, it is said he organized the first official Konoha fire brigade.

But the damage was already done, and to this day, there are few wild Koyama spruce trees left.

So, it is an auspicious day indeed for Tomoe to see a Koyama spruce in its natural environment.

She takes a minute to soak in the majesty of the tree. Then she lays down to take a nap in the shade of the tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomoe is a _nerd_.
> 
> I feel like obsessing over trees is stereotypical Konoha. Because Hashirama was #1 tree stan, and Konoha humored him. So now tree culture is a thing. And like all the other villages assume it’s the #1 hobby. So I just want to see ninjas from other villages come and ask questions about trees. Also, Tomoe is a tree nerd from tree town.
> 
> Koyama's spruce is a real tree in Japan. It is critically endangered due to typhoons.
> 
> The bio class I stupidly took in college where we talked about trees (and tree sex) was really just a semester of me suffering. So I am not a tree expert, I am a tree fool. But I really appreciate the way they convert oxygen - way to go you MVP, you cool as hell. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Stay safe!!


	4. rejected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomoe follows standard operating procedure, gets yelled at anyways.
> 
> There's always a suck up in middle management.

“Chouseki!” her supervisor Kurama Keisuke growls. He sounds even more persnickety and hypercritical than normal.

Tomoe looks up from her paperwork and gives the bad tempered man a placid look. 

Kurama Keisuke is a man who enjoys yelling, particularly at those who cannot yell back. 

“Aa, Kurama-san?”

“What is THIS?” The glowering man seethes as he thrusts paperwork in her face.

“It’s a… budget request?”

“ _It’s a budget request, Chouseki_ \- are you intentionally trying to piss me off?” the man stabs his finger at the top of the paper. “Why did you reject this?”

““Not filled out correctly. All budget requests must accurately cite what project the money will be used for…. Which is missing from this request. This request is blank, therefore the budget would be unable to be audited correctly during the quarterly audit.” Tomoe calmly replies to her supervisor. She then looks down back at her current paperwork. She doesn’t really have time for chatting if she wants to leave on time today. Picking up her pen again, she continues her work. “Thus, rejected.”

“Thus, REJECTED?! **YOU CAN'T DO THAT** ” 

Tomoe looks back up in time to silently observe the perfect arc of spit from the man’s mouth landing on her paperwork. _Gross_. 

“This is a budget request from the council. If you don’t approve this now, you will go in front of the council and explain why it has been rejected.”

Tomoe is the lowest rank ninja in the office. Her work is accordingly generally focused on the budget of the genin and chunin forces. 

She squints suspiciously at the names on the poorly written request. Surprisingly, it is actually a request from the council. Strange, she has never had council paperwork inserted into her stack before. Then again, if this is the standard of work from the council, she would prefer that it never get inserted into her work again. No wonder her colleagues are complete assholes if they deal with this all of the time.

Tomoe shrugs. “Okay.”

“OkAY??? **WHAT??!!!** ”

* * *

_Later_

“Please resubmit with project code accurately cited. It is required so that the budget can be audited.” Tomoe bows to the council and hands back the rejected form. “Hokage-sama, I cannot approve this budget request without this information.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomoe: *intense look of focus on her face* *scribbling detailed calculations over sheets of paper*  
> Uncle Ryuuto: What are you doing Tomoe? I thought we agreed - no bringing home work.  
> Tomoe: Oh, no, these are just calculations of my supervisor’s rage based on how far his spit travels when he screams and the look in his eye over time. *more scribbling*  
> Tomoe: One day I will be able to predict where to sit based on the look on his face.  
> Uncle Ryuuto: …  
> Tomoe: *holding the pen tightly* I dream of a day where neither I nor my work is covered in his spittle.


	5. 10/10 good doggo, would pet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dog watch: Konoha edition
> 
> You better watch out or Tomoe will pet your dog (or steal your dog).

Her target sits obliviously, completely unaware of any nefarious plots.

So trusting, so precious, so innocent.

Her target needs protection from people just like her. 

Too trusting, too precious, too innocent.

Her target is blind to the truth of the world, completely unsuspecting of his fate.

The pinnacle of naivety. 

It is Tomoe’s privilege, nay, duty to open his eyes to the truth.

Her mouth curls at the corner as she decides to act.

Her arms outstretched to her target, she pounces forward.

She reaches forward and grabs him.

“Got you, Kutsu!”

She opens her hand and starts to the pet him.

“Tomoe-chan!” the dog yelps. “I missed you! Pet me more!”

Tomoe smiles and happily indulges the doberman.

“It’s been awhile, Kutsu. Welcome home.”

Tomoe pauses for a second as she hears a human laugh but resumes petting the ninken as if she didn’t hear it.

“Of course Kutsu is out here being spoiled by you already. We got back a few hours ago, and you’re already halfway to turning a fine Inuzuka ninken into a lapdog.” 

“Ashi - this is why no one wants to work with you. You should spoil Kutsu more often. He’s a fine ninken who does excellent work, and he deserves to be rewarded justly. Kutsu, if you ever get tired of this clown, let me know, and we can be partners.”

“You’re one to speak, little miss-hasn’t-been-on-a-mission-in-years.” Inuzuka Ashi grins wildly, his sharp canines visible. The dirt on his nose only makes her former genin squad member look even more like a human version of Kutsu: muscular, powerful, and endearingly happy. “You should come next time with us. It’s been awhile since we’ve been on a mission together.”

“Aa, sounds fun.” Tomoe stands up and brushes fur off her boots. “Welcome home, Ashi. Good mission?” 

“You bet. C’mon! It’s dinner time and you’re staying - ma cooked.”

“Pet me more after dinner, Tomoe-chan!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomoe: *sweating* *concentrating intensely*  
> Her former academy teacher: .. a-are you about to show a powerful jutsu to the students? Just a basic elemental is fine...  
> Tomoe: *suddenly picks up random ninken partner from random Inuzuka student* 10/10 this is a good dog and i will protect her forever
> 
> If you don’t think the Inuzuka clan is the most popular clan, your opinion is wrong and you should feel bad. Let’s be real people - puppies.
> 
> Kutsu is a doberman solely because, during my state approved daily walk, I saw a super friendly doberman.  
> Kutsu uses the character for shoe, Ashi for foot. This seemed very Inuzuka to me. Also Kutsu definitely wears ninja dog boots and is the strongest member of the squad. He’s also a strategist and a casanova.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Stay safe!!


	6. the forecast for today is cloudy with a 90% chance of boring meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The existential dread of boring meetings.
> 
> Or, in which, there are 0 dogs, and dog watch Konoha chapter treasurer Tomoe is very displeased.

Tomoe tries desperately not to calculate what could be accomplished instead of wasting time in this meeting.

“I see. So, the pattern continues. How does the forecast look for next month?”

“If we look at the projection for payment collection in the next few weeks, as described on page 62, we see a marked decrease in revenue. On the next page, a table is included that lists the mission payments and collection dates for this month. Certain mission payments, as listed on page 64, have been deferred and will be collected in the next months.”

“What are the factors in the projection for the deferred payment collection?”

“Excellent question. The factors, as listed on page-”

It doesn’t work. Thoughts race around her head, and numbers dance a _very_ distracting salsa.

“The numbers for this week clearly indicate-” her colleague Shimura Ichirou continues to drone to department head Kurama Keisuke, ignoring the presence of the rest of the accounting department.

Tomoe looks again to the chakra illuminated graph. Her mind unhelpfully supplies what she could be doing instead: the number of dogs at the Inuzuka kennels that could be petted, for example.

The answer: all of them.

So many deserving good dogs are being left sadly un-pet. Tomoe finds this injustice tragic and hopes it can be resolved soon. 

Preferably by her own hands.

"The cash flow diagram displayed-"

She also feels a little more of her soul die screaming into the void. 

Tomoe briefly considers if she died years ago and just never realized that she was sent to hell. It would explain why the discussion and the numbers always seem to be the same in these meetings.

“-delayed. Additionally, the-”

It’s a conspiracy theory that she has pondered on many times. However, existence of dogs and their goodness is strong evidence that this theory is false. Unless that's what they want you to think. It could be possible that dogs were actually demons and attempting to manipulate her into thinking that the existence of dogs disproved the conspiracy theory. 

“Shimura-san, what steps should we take?”

“We need to suggest to the council that we reduce the required downtime between missions to increase the number of missions. We should also cut the funding of programs such as-”

She pauses to consider the conspiracy theory once more before she discards it again. Whether or not she is dead (and in hell), the fact is that (1) dogs exist and (2) should be petted. So it doesn’t matter one way or the other. 

"Chouseki?" her supervisor growls at her.

Tomoe sits up straight in her seat. She glances around the table to her colleagues and then back at her supervisor who looks less than thrilled and entirely convinced that Tomoe has been daydreaming.

“Analysis of trials run by Nidaime-sama showed that a 25% increase in downtime, on average, was associated with a 50% improvement in efficiency and performance on missions. In fact his _Combating Elite Ninja Underperformance: an Analysis for Optimal Mission Performance_ inspired the passing of his _Rest and Recovery_ Act. In § 12c of the Act, Nindaime-sama states that the required downtime can be temporarily reduced in times of a declared war or emergency. Or more permanently, if a pilot study has been run, presented to the council, and then unanimously approved by the council. So, the suggestion from Shimura-san would require us to fund a new study first, since we are neither in a declared ninja war nor ninja emergency.”

“Chouseki,” her supervisor growls at her again, disappointed that she was, in fact, paying attention. "Yuhi-san, your thoughts?"

Tomoe can almost hear the saddest and loneliest yip of a puppy.

"Thank you for asking. We should take a more proactive, synergistic approach. While I do find value in what h-"

Tomoe sighs as she sulkily slouches in her seat again.

The puppies will have to wait until later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomoe: *uses fancy pointer to point at graph*  
> Tomoe: In conclusion, puppies. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
> 
> Uncle: Tomoe? *looks around* Where did she go??? She was *just* here a moment ago??  
> meanwhile, on the other side of town....  
> Tomoe: *bent over a fence and petting dogs* My spidey-senses detect that you are a good dog and must be petted. 
> 
> Was there a point to this chapter? No. This fic is officially 120% about dogs. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.


	7. (AU) One Thing That Could Have Happened To Tomoe But Didn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people are born responsible, some achieve responsibility, and some have responsibility dropped on them from a seventh floor window. Genin Tomoe has zero desire to adopt a child (especially as she is a child herself!)... but when a flying child smacks her in the face, she’s too tired to resist.
> 
> Adoption by defenestration is not something that happened to Tomoe in this story... but in another universe it did.

Tomoe is exhausted. 

She is so drained of energy that she is half sleep walking, half dragging her body home. 

Their first C rank mission had been unsurprisingly affected by the genin curse and ended up being upgraded in rank. The team ended up on the battlefield and then delayed over two months to arrive home. 

Her teammates are still with medics being checked over. Tomoe had almost fallen asleep waiting, so their sensei sent her home with orders to rest.

She sways uncontrollably as she walks. Tomoe keeps having to remind herself that she is almost home and that she can make it the rest of the way home.

The promise of her nice soft bed keeps her from laying down in the middle of the road to sleep. Barely. She almost gives up several times.

Looking back, her level of exhaustion doesn’t excuse her lack of awareness. And, of course, Tomoe will later find herself punished with awareness training, courtesy of one very concerned jounin sensei.

But for now, the young girl barely has time to look up between hearing a whooshing noise and being hit in the face. Her eyes instinctively close as she catches whatever the hell hit her in the face.

Tomoe has to remind herself to open her eyes and not sleep.

When she opens her eyes, she sees energetic blue eyes. She finds a tiny child in her arms. 

A child that has apparently fallen from the sky and hit her in the face.

Tomoe looks up to see an open window on the seventh floor of the apartment building.

She checks the child for visible injuries. While briefly winded, the child is instead now cheering and screaming “AGAIN! AGAIN!!”

Tomoe sighs softly. She is really too tired to be dealing with children, let alone a gremlin child who jumped out of a window.

“Kid, jumping out of windows is dangerous.”

* * *

Unfortunately, there is no one in the apartment. And none of the neighbors answered when she knocked on their doors. 

The kid squirms, trying to escape her grasp, and does grabby hands at the window.

“Hey, kid. Where’s your guardian?”

The kid makes a face. The kid continues to ignore her and continues to flail.

There are no pictures in the apartment nor any documentation as far as she can tell. Tomoe stares at the child trying to imagine what a potential parent might look like and if she has seen anyone with that theoretical face. But no one comes to mind.

That’s when Tomoe realizes that she can’t just leave the kid here. Or there will be a tiny pancake on the ground as soon as she leaves. She sighs.

What a pain.

Are all kids like this? Tomoe doesn’t remember having a jumping out of windows phase.

Tomoe was planning on eating dinner with uncle and then blissfully sleeping.

She’s way too tired for this kind of bullshit.

“Riiiight. So here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re going to leave a note for your guardian. Then, you’re going to come home with me. After you eat, you can hang out with Uncle until your guardian comes to pick you up. Once you’ve been picked up, you and your guardian can jump out of all the windows you want together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uncle: Uhhhh Tomoe?  
> Uncle: I'm very happy your mission went well. And I know you need to sleep....  
> Young Tomoe: *face planted in her food and snoring*  
> Uncle: ...but where did the kid come from?  
> Young Tomoe: *half drowning in ramen and extremely bleary* let me sleep or let me die  
> The kid sitting in Uncle's lap: *clapping and singing* Ramen! Ramen! Ramen!!!
> 
> Sensei: What is that on your face?  
> Young Tomoe: ... my face?  
> Sensei: *grabs Tomoe's face* Where did you get this strange bruise? Who hit you?  
> *dramatic flashback to the kid falling and hitting her in the face*  
> Tomoe: *sighs* Trouble.
> 
> I'm back on my bullshit and congrats here's an AU filler chapter that was written instead of writing actual plot for this story.
> 
> Hope everyone is safe ! :)

**Author's Note:**

> In order for the villages to exist, there must be economics and accounting. Which brings us to important questions: Is there ninja accounting? What is ninja accounting? And also, how does the ninja economy work? 
> 
> I have so many questions and no answers. Also, I just really like the idea of adding ninjas to any random career. So, officially, ninja plumbing is the most dangerous of all ninja careers to learn.
> 
> I am not an accountant so if you are an accountant or actuary or studying accounting in any form, I apologize for the very poor understanding of accounting.
> 
> This has been sitting in my google docs for a year, but I guess I might as well post it.


End file.
